MoT
by multidimensionnelle
Summary: They all had to write letters to their future selves; letters which weren't supposed to be opened before their 10-year high school reunion. - ON HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

She's never been a fan of speaking to a big group of people; much less the whole William McKinley senior class, but she didn't have a choice in the matter. She was voted senior class president as a joke; they thought it would be funny to watch Brittany S. Pierce, glee loser, try to form a proper sentence without saying something completely humiliating. So here she is today, standing in front of 86 students who were just waiting for her to mess up. She could count on one hand those who were actually there to support her: Rachel, Kurt, Mercedes, Artie and Tina. Sure, they weren't the closest of friends, but they were in glee club together and understood the hardships of being a social outcast.

When principle Figgins asked her to speak at the assembly she almost fainted. She was already having a hard time accepting the fact that she would be performing with the glee club in front of everyone, but to be up there by herself? She couldn't even bear to think about it. Figgins told her that she couldn't back out, that it was a tradition for the newly elected class president to speak and thank the class for voting for them; but how could she thank people who only want to see her fail? He also said that since she was senior class president she would be responsible for any future activities that took place at this school, and as a McKinley tradition, she had to come up with something creative that they could look back on in the future, during high school reunions, and enjoy. Some past graduating classes had time capsules, where each student would record a message to their 30-year-old self, and that time capsule would only be opened when all the graduating class turned 30. Others buried a precious item of their choice, and when the time came, they would see what their 17-year old selves considered to be precious.

She had no idea what she could pick, which is why she thought it would be a smart idea to form a student body committee that would help her out and make things easier for her. She finds herself sitting between Rachel and Kurt brainstorming ideas the night right before the assembly.

"It's impossible to find something that no one has done before. William McKinley has had this tradition for the part 14 years, I don't think we'll find something that a past generation hasn't done already, we're just being set up to fail miserably"

Rachel was always the over-the-top drama queen. She thought that everyone was out to get her; that they were jealous of her talent and wanted her to suffer so that she couldn't achieve her dreams and be better than them. Brittany couldn't deny the fact that Rachel's voice was amazing and that she could definitely make it as a theatre performer, but she thought it would be more reasonable for Rachel to aim at off-Broadway productions rather than Broadway itself.

Rachel was one of the few people who saw her for who she really was; she looked past the ditzy blonde act. She understood that it was a defense mechanism that Brittany put up and that it just comes naturally to her now.

When she was younger, Brittany had the wildest imagination any child could have, and she used to be picked on because of it. While one person would see a simple tree, Brittany would imagine all the adventures that would be hidden if you looked close enough. She'd imagine all the leaves blowing off and whisking her away to another world. Every time she'd see a rabbit, she would follow him hoping that he would ask her to hop into a rabbit hole, and that it would lead her to Wonderland. Brittany's parents always comforted her and said that if it weren't for his imagination, Walt Disney would never have created Mickey and Minnie; that the cartoon characters she had grown to love would have never existed. That seemed to reassure Brittany and lift her spirits for a while, until she got to school and got picked on for believing in unicorns and wearing rainbow colored socks. Brittany started building her walls up, hiding who she really was and choosing to remain silent and act clueless. What she didn't know though, was that someone on the other side of town was doing the exact same thing, building their walls up, but for entirely different reasons.

"Rachel, relax, no one set us up to fail. If anything they set Brittany up, she just kind of dragged us along. There's no way they could have known that we would be involved in this too."

Kurt was the voice of reason in their little group; he's been through a lot but matured and learned from it all. He had a tough time in high school because he was brave enough to come out. Brittany couldn't understand how people bullied him instead of admire him for being proud of who he was. Maybe they were just jealous, she certainly was. She's known for the longest time that she was into both men and women, but she would never have the guts to say it out loud. Why give people one more reason to make fun of her. The way Brittany saw it was that she loved the person regardless of their gender. As long as they respected her and accepted her quirkiness, she would love them with all of her heart.

"I agree with Kurt, Rachel. No one did this on purpose to you, but I'm sorry to drag you into this mess. You can go now; I'll try to handle this by myself. I'm sure Google can help me out with some ideas, or I could just ask my little sister, she always has the best ideas."

Ella had just turned 14 and was the best little sister anyone could ask for. She always knew the right thing to say and gave the best hugs. When Brittany came home crying when she was 12 because she tried kissing a girl who ended up calling her gross, Ella, who was only 9 at the time, told her that the girl was stupid.

Ella would always go on these crazy adventures with her. After they read the 6th Harry Potter book, they decided to go hunting for horcruxes in hopes of helping Harry out. They weren't delusional, they knew that there were no such things as horcruxes, but it never stopped them from having fun. Their parents would just laugh it off and claim that the junk in the garage was a horcrux, and that Brittany and Ella should destroy it and make it disappear.

"Okay Britt, we're going to head home then. Call us if you need anything."

Kurt stood up and packed his bag, and then looked at Rachel who was still a bit hesitant. "Come on Rachel, I'll drop you off."

As they headed out the door, Rachel looked back at Brittany and mouthed the words 'I'm sorry' to her. Rachel could apologize all day, but the truth is, Brittany was once again all alone. She just wished for once that someone would have a hard time leaving her and would insist on staying with her, even if they just sat in silence and watched her work.

With a soft sigh, Brittany proceeded to collect her things and walk home. Her house wasn't that close to McKinley but she needed the walk to sort her thoughts out. She wasn't ready for the assembly, she wasn't ready for the humiliation and honestly, she didn't think she could handle one more person laughing at her. She could see a car approaching and when she squinted her eyes to get a better look, she immediately recognized it. When she saw the passengers roll their windows down, she fastened the straps of her backpack and picked up her pace hoping to avoid them.

"Hey Blondie, seems like even the glee losers thought they were too cool for you and ditched you."

Santana Lopez, captain of the McKinley High cheerleading squad, also known as the Cheerios. Even though Santana's main hobby was to make Brittany's life a living hell, Brittany still held a special place for Santana in her heart. Santana was after all Brittany's first kiss. She was also the first person to call Brittany gross and launch the endless stream of bullying that ended up following Brittany to this day. Santana was everything Brittany wished she could be: beautiful, confident, smart, popular and in a relationship. She commanded people's respect wherever she went, maybe it was because people feared her, but whatever the reasons were, everyone, including teachers, respected Santana. She was notorious for her hot temper and vicious words, but once you got on her good side, you were untouchable.

"Careful not to trip over your imaginary friend, loser."

Quinn Fabray, Santana's partner in crime and sometimes an even bigger bitch than Santana. Quinn picks on just about everyone, while Santana has specific targets that she constantly torments, Brittany being her favorite one.

Quinn was a big mystery to Brittany. She got pregnant in her sophomore year with Noah Puckerman's child, lost her popularity and all of her friends, including Santana, yet here she is, meaner than ever and back on top. She was the one who usually handled the slushy facials, which Brittany was on the receiving end of more times than she could count. Ever been hit by a huge block of ice right in the face? That's exactly how a slushy feels like. It gets stuck in all the wrong places; which is why Brittany always has a change of clothes with her at school. Slushies were a right of passage for every loser at McKinley, it's how you knew that you were on the bottom of the food chain. Quinn got a slushy facial once, but no one dares mention it; it's like her pregnancy never happened.

"She's probably lost or something, there's no way she can find her way home by herself."

And finally, Noah Puckerman, or as people call him, Puck. He was the captain of the football team; a team that hasn't one a single game in over a year but that didn't matter. Puck's biggest concern was his badass reputation. After he got Quinn pregnant, he worried that it would make him unpopular with the ladies and make him seem less attractive, which is why he became an even bigger asshole than he already was. He bullied Kurt endlessly, shoved him into lockers and called him names, all in the hopes of regaining his previous social status.

Brittany spotted her house just a few feet away and started running towards it. She had walked home in hopes of getting some alone time to think, but all she got was even more hurtful words from Santana, Quinn and Puck. As soon as she walked in she was greeted by Ella, who was on her way to feed Lord Tubbington, their overweight cat.

"Hey Britt, how was school today?"

Brittany hated having to lie to her sister, but she hated worrying her even more. Every day she would come home and be greeted the same way. Her sister would hug her and ask her how her day went, and Brittany would plaster on the biggest smile and pretend that she had the most amazing day of all. However, today was different; she couldn't even bring herself to smile.

"Could have went better Ella, but it's fine I'll manage, I always do."

This is why she always lied to her sister, to avoid the look Ella is giving her right now. She wished her day really did go well and that she could share some funny stories about it, but instead, she's being pulled into a comforting embrace by her little sister. This isn't how things are supposed to work; she's the one who's supposed to be taking care of her sister, not the other way around. It makes her hate herself a little bit more.

"Come on, we'll make popcorn, pop in a movie and you can tell me all about it."

Brittany settled down on the couch with the popcorn bowl nestled between her thighs while Ella rummaged through their DVD collection.

"Britt, I don't think there's anything here that we haven't already seen, but I rented The Perks of Being a wallflower today. You can fawn over Logan Lerman, and Emma Watson too, I know you've always had a thing for Hermione."

Brittany couldn't help but snort at her sister's comment; she knew her too well. Ella pushed the pause button and looked at Brittany expectantly, waiting for her to relay the events of her day. Brittany told her about being elected senior class president, about it only being a joke. She told her about the speech she had to give and that she had to come up with an original idea before the assembly. She told her about her walk home and how the bullying went on even after school. Throughout the whole conversation, Brittany couldn't help but notice the pained expression on her sister's face. Ella had a hard time believing that people could be this cruel to Brittany, who wouldn't even hurt a fly.

"Don't worry about it too much sis, I'm sure you'll think of something great; you always do. You're the smart one in this family."

How Brittany wished that were true. She knew she wasn't dumb, but being called the smart one in the family was a stretch. Ella was the straight-A student while Brittany barely got passing grades. Her parents never gave her a hard time for it, because even though they never said anything directly to her, they knew she was going through a rough patch and didn't want to pressure her. Her parents always seem to know everything.

She never officially came out to them, but she suspected they knew. Whenever they went shopping or to get groceries, her mom would always point in the direction of some random teenage girl and ask Brittany if she thought she was cute. Her dad was a bit subtler; he'd wink at Brittany's mom whenever Brittany seemed too engrossed in a tennis game Maria Sharapova was playing. Brittany doesn't even like tennis.

A noise coming from the TV snapped Brittany out of her thoughts and she decided to focus on the movie, see what the rave was all about. She found herself relating to Charlie more than she ever thought she would. He was an introvert who didn't have any friends. He never knew the right things to say and found himself always messing up. About 20 minutes into the movie, Charlie makes himself two new friends who show him what the world really is about, and he ends up falling in love with Emma Watson's character, Sam. Rachel and Kurt were good friends, but Brittany wished she had friends like Patrick and Sam, who were adventurous and who took risks, who showed Charlie what it really meant to live. Brittany wished most of all that she could find a love like the one that Sam and Charlie shared; so pure and honest and innocent.

About halfway through the movie Brittany felt a weight settle on her shoulder; Ella had fallen asleep. She was probably tired from school; she was a cheerleader too, but not a mean one, and she had had practice that day. Brittany continued watching the movie, she wanted to know if Charlie would get the happy ending he deserved, because if he did, it would give her hope that things would work out with her eventually. As it turns out, Charlie did get his happy ending. He got the girl.

When the credits started rolling, Brittany felt the weight on her shoulder shift.

"Shit! I'm sorry Britt, I didn't mean to fall asleep; it's just that I was really tired. I must have fallen asleep when Charlie was writing that letter. He has a rather monotonous voice."

Brittany chuckled but then realized what her sister had just said. "Wait, he was writing letters? I thought those were voice-overs."

Ella rolled her eyes at her older sister and smacked her lightly on the arm "You're such a perv. You were too busy ogling Emma Watson to notice that Charlie was actually writing letters. Those weren't voice-overs Britt. The movie is actually based on the book, and the book is kind of like a collection of letters that Charlie writes anonymously and sends out. Now come on, lets prepare for tomorrow's speech."

For the next hour they went through every possible option that would help make Brittany less nervous while giving her speech. They considered Brittany imagining the audience naked, but then Brittany worried that imagining some people naked would do more harm than good, and she'd end up flustered during the whole speech. Ella then suggested that Brittany use a power point presentation so that she would have an excuse to turn her back on her classmates whenever she got too nervous. Brittany considered that option for a second but then realized that turning her back on the students wouldn't be the best since they would take advantage of it to make even more fun of her.

"What if you do it kind of like Charlie. Write a letter and just read it out to the class. It would help you avoid eye contact and you won't have to worry about forgetting what to say."

And then it clicked. "Wait. You said Charlie wrote letters anonymously to some random person about how his life was going and stuff."

Ella who was a bit confused by Brittany's sudden change in topic and could only nod.

"What if I got the whole student body to do that as the McKinley tradition for seniors. We could all write letters to random people anonymously and send them out. Wait, no, that wouldn't work."

Ella sat back and decided to just watch her sister. Brittany did this a lot. She would think out loud and have a fully blown-out monologue, but she always came up with the smartest, most inspired ideas by the end of it.

"I got it! What if we wrote letters to our future selves. We could each write a letter and say what we would hope our life would be like by the time we read this letter, and how it's going now. We could open the letter at our ten-year high school reunion and see which predictions came true."

Brittany did it again, and all Ella could do was smile proudly at her older sister. "I told you, you're the smart one in the family. Now come on, let's work on that kick-ass speech of yours to go with your genius idea."

Here she was, standing in front of 86 students, speech in hand and confident that her idea was actually good, but that didn't stop her hands from shaking uncontrollably. She leaned towards the microphone, maybe too close because when she spoke up her own voice startled her.

"H-hi, everyone. My name is Brittany Pierce and I'm your senior class president."

From the back of the bleachers she could hear some snickering and then someone shouting. "No shit Sherlock, we were the ones who voted for you."

Santana Lopez. Of course she wouldn't let Brittany off the hook, even if it was for just a couple of minutes. Brittany swallowed the lump in her throat and went on.

"I was asked to give a speech today and thank you for voting for me. I'm not sure why any of you voted for me though. I've never had a conversation that lasted more than a couple of seconds with most of you, but yet here I am."

Brittany felt her confidence growing with every word she said and decided to go on. "You might not think that I am the smartest person out there, you might bully me and call me names, but it never stopped me from being nice to you and that's what I'd like to achieve in our school year. I want to install a no-bullying policy."

That did it. The whole room erupted with laughter. "Dream on Blondie, there's a reason we slushy people in this school, so that losers like you can be put in their place."

Brittany wished she could just take the microphone and shove it down Santana's throat.

"All right students, settle down and let miss Pierce finish what she has to say."

Principle Figgins had a soft spot for Brittany and would always look out for her, but this time it didn't help. Brittany was too upset to continue her speech. She dropped the paper she was desperately clutching and walked away. As soon as she got to the other side of the gym, she saw Rachel stand up and walk to the microphone. Rachel picked up the piece of paper and decided to finish Brittany's speech for her.

"Most of you won't be okay with this policy, and I think it's because you're afraid. You're afraid of what would become of your reputation if you didn't instill fear on a daily basis, but that's fine. I never expected anyone to be okay with the idea; I just wanted to put it out there. As for the senior project McKinley has every year, I suggest we write a letter to our 27 or 28-year old selves. We can try to picture where we would be in 10 years and we can describe what life is like for us right now. We would only open these letters during our 10-year high school reunion and laugh at all our silly predictions."

Rachel smiled reading that last part. She already knew where she would be in 10 years, and she didn't think it was silly at all. She did think that Brittany's idea was actually really good.

Principle Figgins stood up and walked towards Rachel. "It's decided students, you all have to hand in a letter by the end of the day and put in the secretary's office. Make sure to write your name on it. Now give it up for the New Directions!"

To say that nobody was happy with having to write a stupid letter would be an understatement. Almost everyone could be heard groaning and mumbling about how unfair it was and how much they hated Brittany S. Pierce for making them do this.

Throughout the whole day, Brittany kept getting dirty looks. She got slushied three times. She couldn't wait for this day to be over, but she still had to go pick up the box of letters from the secretary's office and put it in the safe where all other senior projects were.

She placed the box of letters in the back of the safe, but when she went to close it, she noticed one of the letters wasn't sealed properly. She picked it up and licked the seal again, but right as she was about to close it, she noticed who the letter belonged to: Santana Lopez. Something took over Brittany. She remembered how mean Santana was to her that day and curiosity took the better of her. She wanted to see what dreams Santana had for her future. Her ambitions were probably to torment and torture even more people. With shaky hands, Brittany pulled out the piece of paper and read the first line.

_If by the time I'm 28 I'm still alive to read this, it would be a miracle._

* * *

**All mistakes are mine. If there are any grammar nazis out there, feel free to correct any mistakes you'll find. Please let me know if you'd like me to continue this.**


	2. Chapter 2

When Brittany came up with the idea of writing letters, she forgot that she would be required to write one as well; but then Rachel came up to her and asked her what she had written in her letter and Brittany couldn't hide the surprise from her face. How could she be so stupid and forget that she had to write a letter too. She wouldn't even know where to start. Should she tell her future self about all the struggles she's going through now? What if by the time she becomes 28 she forgets about the hard time she had in high school and reading that letter would only bring back bad memories and cause her heartache. She doesn't think her heart could take it, reliving all the terrible things people said to her in the past. She thought of where she would be in 10 years. She would probably still be stuck in Lima, living with her parents and working as a dog walker or something. She didn't think it was possible for her life to get better than it is now, not when everything was so messed up.

With reluctance, Brittany picked up a pen and a paper and started writing down anything and everything that came to mind.

_Dear future Brittany, or present Brittany. Not sure how this works, right now you're future me but by the time you read this you'll be present me. Oh well. Dear 28-year old Brittany,_

_Life sucks really badly right now. I get constantly picked on for being different, for not fitting the norm. I can't even say what I'm really thinking because I'm sure people will just make fun of me for it and call me names. I know most of the answers in Spanish class but I'm afraid to speak up because I'm sure people will make fun of me for my accent. I know all the answers in math but I have a weird way of solving problems. I like to imagine that all math problems are a story and that solving it would get me to the happy ending. You see, I'm a big believer in happy endings. I have to believe in them, otherwise all this would be for nothing. I'm not saying my life is complete shit (I hope you don't get too mad at me for using curse words) I have an amazing supportive family, and some days are better than other, but life isn't always so easy._

_Some people here at this school have made it their job to make my life difficult. One name comes to mind, and I hope that by the time that person turns 28 she would have grown. But who am I kidding, she never will. Once a bitch always a bitch, or that's what I've been told._

_The days on which we have glee reunions are better. I get to be myself even if it's only for an hour or so. I get to sing and dance and be in the company of people who understand me. Sure, we never compete because there are just six of us but we don't think about that, we just like to have fun. Rachel and Kurt are the closest things I have to real friends, and they've always been very supportive. Rachel has two dads and Kurt is gay, but I've never felt safe enough to come out to them. Deep down I know they'll accept me but I'm still afraid. What if they look at me differently and decide they don't want to be friends with me anymore. I don't think I could handle that._

_But enough about present me, I don't want to take too much of your time. You probably have a super tight schedule with all the dog-walking you're going to be doing._

_Yeah, I'm assuming that my dream of becoming a filmmaker never came true and I got stuck here in Lima walking dogs. I guess it's because I've been shown time and time again that good things never happen to people like me._

_I hope none of what I just said comes true, but I'm sure it will._

_I hope that by the time I'm 28 I would have met my future husband or wife, but then again, I'm sure I won't._

_Love forever,_

_Past (or present) Brittany_

By the time Brittany reached the end of the letter, some of the words were smudged because of the tears that escaped her. She couldn't stop herself from crying; the thought of her future terrified her. She picked up her letter, placed it in the envelope and sealed it.

As she was collecting all the letters, she could tell by the looks on her classmates' faces that most of them didn't take it seriously and probably wrote a bunch of crap. She suddenly regretted all that she wrote and wondered if it was too late for her to change it. But then it happened.

_If by the time I'm 28 I'm still alive to read this, it would be a miracle._

Santana Lopez always left Brittany speechless, but this time it was for entirely different reasons. Brittany couldn't believe what she had read. It had to be a joke, or maybe she misread it. She looked over the paper again and there it was.

Her hands were shaking too much and she couldn't bring herself to read the rest of the letter. She placed the envelope hastily in her pocket and ran home. She thought it would be better if she took a warm bath and calmed herself down, and then she could read the letter in the confinement of her room.

As soon as she got home, Brittany didn't even bother to properly greet her sister. She ran up the stairs and locked herself in the bathroom. She sunk to the floor and placed her head on her knees. Her feelings were all over the place. She didn't know if she should feel angry with herself for reading the letter, or angry with Santana who was probably just playing a mean joke. She was sure that if she read the rest of the letter she would find out that Santana was just messing around.

'Yeah, that's probably it' she thought to herself.

She dug into the pocket of her jacket and pulled out the slightly crumpled letter.

_If by the time I'm 28 I'm still alive to read this, it would be a miracle._

_I don't know why I'm even doing this, it's not like it will matter in 10 years. I would be long gone by then. I'm not sure I'll even be alive in 10 months._

At this point Brittany's whole body was shaking. This wasn't possible, not when it came to Santana Lopez.

_So I thought it would be pretty smart of me to write down all the things I should have said when I had the chance. I should also explain myself. Isn't that what everyone wants? To try to make sense and find a valuable reason for something that exceeds all rationality? Why is it so easy to end a life you've worked so hard to deal with? I keep wondering if it would have been easier if I had never been born. I wouldn't have caused so much pain and I wouldn't have been on the receiving end of it either. _

_This letter won't be addressed to myself, it will be addressed to whomever reads it._

_I'm going to start with you dad, since you're the least likely person to read it, which makes this easier. You left us when I was 9. You left your wife and daughter behind, and you never even showed an ounce of remorse for doing it. You left us for another woman, and you left us feeling like we weren't enough. You left me with mom, who saw you every single time she looked at me. Did you know that she blamed me for your cowardice? She said you left us because I wasn't good enough, that you didn't want to deal with a daughter who was getting mediocre grades and who didn't have any friends. You know what the worst part is? I believed her. Now I know she never meant a word she said, but I did at the time and I guess that's all that matters. I grew up hating myself because I thought I was the reason mom was miserable. But you know what dad? I'm at the top of my class and I'm the most popular girl now. I thought you would come back if I got better, but you never did. I still have to thank you though; you were the one who taught me that people would always disappoint me._

_If you're the one reading this, you should know that I forgive you._

_Abuela, if you're the one reading this, your story is not much different than dad's. I came to you when I was 16 because I trusted you with my life and I needed you. I came to you that day to tell you what I've been trying to avoid ever since some girl kissed me when I was 12. You called me a disgrace, an abomination. You said I wasn't a Lopez and that I will go to hell. You told me to get out of your house. I was too hurt and heartbroken to argue with you, so I just packed my things and was about to walk out the door. You stood up and grabbed my arm, I thought you were going to hug me, take back everything you had said and tell me that you will always love me. Remember what you did instead abuela? You looked straight into my eyes and told me that you understood why dad had left me, that I deserved it. I didn't think I could ever forgive you at the time, but I was still thankful for what you had done. You taught me that the people closest to you will betray you._

_If you're the one reading this, you should know that I forgive you._

_Quinn, if you're the one reading this, and God I hope you are, you should know that I'm so sorry. You were pregnant and alone, and I wasn't there for you. But you proved to me time and time again how strong and independent you are. You gave your daughter the best life she could dream of by letting that wonderful family adopt her. I saw how much it killed you to let her go, but you knew you were doing the responsible thing; and you did it all by yourself. You should have stayed at my place when your parents kicked you out, not at Puck's, and I hate myself for not realizing that at the time. You were the closest thing I had to a sister and I love you so much. Funny how the first time I tell you how amazing you are is probably the last time too._

_Mom, if you're the one reading this, I'm sorry you had to lose one more person. Dad was an asshole for leaving us, he never deserved you. You raised me all by yourself and I think you did an amazing job at it. You were struggling to pay the bills, you were raising a kid alone and you had two jobs, you were exhausted, yet you never showed it. We went through a rough patch when dad left, but we got over it. Life is not only about pain; it's about overcoming it too right? I guess I wasn't able to overcome mine. _

_I'm almost running out of paper and I don't want to ramble more, but know that after my conversation with grandma, the snowball effect took its toll. Everything came crumbling down. I hated myself for liking girls, I hated the fact that I had a darker complexion than other girls, I hated my body, my hair, the way my voice sounded. I hated everything about myself, and now writing this letter, I realize that I hate myself even more for admitting all of this._

_I can only hope that you won't be too disappointed in me._

Brittany must have read through the letter at least 6 times. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that Santana Lopez was even more broken than she was, this wasn't some sick joke; this was real. Santana was thinking of taking her own life. She instantly regretted reading the letter. She was so much better off not knowing about Santana's struggles, and yet according to Santana, Brittany didn't even know half of it yet. Santana wrote about a snowball effect, that's when something leads to another thing and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. What could be worse than losing your dad and your grandma's respect? Brittany couldn't even begin to imagine. She hated Santana for making her feel sorry for her. Her life was so much easier when Santana Lopez was just a heartless bitch that had it out for Brittany. But now that Brittany knows what Santana is hiding behind that tough exterior, she doesn't think she'll ever look at her the same way. She'll wonder what's going on in Santana's head when she's making fun of Kurt for being gay. Is it because she wishes she could be out? She'll wonder what Santana's thinking when she calls Brittany Blondie. Is it because she wanted to have blonde hair and a light complexion? She'll wonder what Santana feels whenever she makes fun of Rachel Berry's two dads. Is it because Rachel has two fathers who love her but Santana has none?

Everything Brittany thought she knew about Santana Lopez was completely wrong and she hates herself for opening the letter, but at the same time she can't imagine what would have happened if she didn't. She didn't think she'd be able to fall asleep that night, not with everything that she read. She lay in bed motionless and staring out of her window, hoping that shooting star would just appear out of nowhere and Brittany could wish for Santana to get better. But she wasn't stupid, a shooting star wasn't going to randomly pop up at the most convenient of times. She wondered what Santana was doing at this very moment. Was she crying herself to sleep, or out at some party getting drunk in hopes of forgetting about all of her problems? Without even realizing it, Brittany drifted off to sleep, too emotionally exhausted to stay awake anymore.

The next morning Brittany woke up to the blaring sound of her alarm. She groaned and reached over to her bedside table to shut it off. It took her a few seconds to realize that she had fallen asleep last night on top of her covers. And then it all came back to her. The letters everyone had written, the letter she wrote, the letter Santana wrote. She jumped off the bed to her desk to check that the letter was still there and to her relief, it was. She wasn't sure how she was going to act around Santana today. Should she smile at her when she sees her? Not look upset when Santana will inevitably slushy her? Should she approach Santana and try to talk to her about the letter? No, that was dumb. Santana would murder her. She could maybe slip an anonymous tip to the school counselor and tell her what Santana was planning to do. No, that wouldn't be smart. Miss Pillsbury will surely try to find out who wrote the note and how they found out about Santana's problems and that would just cause a huge mess. She didn't have much time to think about it though; she had less than 10minutes to get ready and head to school.

As soon as she walked into school she was ambushed by an overly excited Rachel.

"Your idea for the senior project was genius. I can't wait for our 10-year high school reunion to show everyone how wrong they were about me and that I knew all along what a big star I would become. I mentioned it all in my letter you know? How growing up with two gay dads was the best thing that could ever happen to me, how I struggled in high school but I managed to overcome it with the power of music. I also mentioned Kurt at some point, having a gay sidekick is always a bonus you know. It's the ultimate underdog story."

Brittany wasn't sure when she zoned out, she could see Rachel's mouth moving and her hands doing all these crazy gestures but she wasn't listening anymore. Once Rachel went on one of her long-ass monologues, there was no point in trying to stop her. And then out of the corner of her eye, she saw _her_ approaching; as beautiful and fierce as ever. Brittany couldn't believe that this was the same Santana that had written all those heart-wrenching words. The Santana she was looking at now looked so happy and in her element, but maybe that was the point. Show everyone that she was perfectly fine when in reality she was everything but fine.

"What are you staring at Blondie? Don't you have somewhere else to be? Like the geek club or something?"

Santana wasn't up to her game today. Her words didn't hurt like they usually do. Brittany thought she saw Santana flinch and she wondered if Santana realized that her words weren't as laced with venom as they always are. And then Brittany remembered; the letter! She had forgotten all about it and almost instantly sprinted to the senior project safe to put it back where it belonged. She looked one last time at it before she locked the safe, not realizing how much of an impact reading that letter would later have on her life.

She suffered through Spanish, English and math and was excited when it was time for her first free period of the day. She decided she wasn't in the mood to hang out with the Glee club and would rather spend her free period reading by the bleachers. When she got to the football field she noticed that all the cheerleaders were practicing, and by the exhausted looks on their faces, it looks like they've been practicing for a while now. Coach Sylvester wasn't opposed to pulling her cheerleaders out of class to go to practice, especially when they had a cheer competition soon.

She was too distracted by the sight in front of her to be able to concentrate on her book. The cheerleaders moved with so much grace and ease, and she found herself unable to tear her eyes away from them. One cheerleader in particular caught her attention. Santana Lopez was front and center, dancing and cheering like her life depended on it, and she was damn good at it, which is why Brittany was surprised when she saw coach Sylvester, who looked pissed off, approach Santana.

"That was terrible, sandbags! Will you ever learn to do something right? Do that again and you can kick your cheerleading uniform goodbye."

Brittany was confused. Sandbags? What the hell did that mean? But before she could think too much about it, she saw something; something she didn't think she would have noticed if she hadn't seen Santana's letter. She saw hurt flash across Santana's eyes, but only for a second. Santana quickly went back to sporting her signature smug smile.

Before she could even realize what she was doing, her feet carried her to her locker. She pulled out one of her notebooks, ripped out a small piece of paper and scribbled hurriedly something on it. She looked around the hallways to make sure no one was looking, went over to Santana's locker, and slipped the note inside it.

_Please don't do it. It will get better._

* * *

**I rewrote Santana's letter 3 or 4 times until I was kind of happy with it, I'm still not fully satisfied.**

**Thank you for the awesome response the first chapter got, I wasn't expecting it. I thought this would be a two or three shot fic but now I'm considering making it into a multichapter one. Thank you to all the guests that reviewed it, I wished I could properly reply but well, I can't unless you sign in.**


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as Brittany dropped the note in Santana's locker, she regretted it. She was afraid of what she was getting herself into and terrified of Santana's reaction. She went to the closest empty classroom she could find and locked herself in. She needed to be alone for a bit and try to make sense out of what just happened.

"It will get better? God I'm such a fucking moron! Who says that! Well done Brittany, you just proved to yourself that you really are an idiot. And now I'm talking to myself, this is perfect."

She thought she was going crazy, she should never have slipped Santana that note. Hell, she should have never read Santana's letter in the first place. But what would have happened if she had never read the letter? That question haunts her every thought, and she just wishes she had an answer to it. She doesn't have much time to dwell on the thought before a loud banging on the door interrupts her.

"Brittany? Brittany, open the door right now! Whatever it is you're thinking of doing, it's not worth it. Brittany if you jump out the window it won't work; it's only one-story high. Brittany can you hear me? It'll just hurt a lot! BRITTANY!"

Rachel. Brittany could always count on her awful timing. She just needed some time to think, but trust Rachel to pop up at the most inconvenient of times and say something completely absurd. She thought Brittany was the one contemplating suicide? People can be so clueless some times. She willed herself to go unlock the door and let Rachel in, but not before groaning loudly.

"What the hell do you want Rachel?"

Rachel looked a bit taken aback by Brittany's aggressive tone; she wasn't used to it. "I just, I thought you were considering jumping out the window or suffocating to death or something."

"I wasn't going to kill myself Rachel. For God's sake, would you stop being so dramatic all the time!"

Rachel was definitely not used to Brittany yelling. She took a few steps back and looked around noticing the pool of students forming around her, just waiting for a catfight to erupt.

"Brittany, I didn't mean it like that. I just saw you storm into the room and you looked really upset and I just… I don't know."

Brittany noticed Rachel's voice break at the end, and she felt bad for her little outburst. Rachel looked genuinely worried. She was about to apologize to her, but out of nowhere, _she_ appeared and stood next to them with the biggest of smirks plastered on her face.

"Don't be ridiculous dwarf, Blondie's stupid but you should give her a little credit. She wouldn't do something as stupid as jump out the window, she would pop pills or something; it's a lot less painful. Now can you move your scrawny asses out of my way, I'd like to get to class."

She wasn't sure she heard it right. She must have hit her head or Rachel's loud voice must have punctured her eardrum; it just wasn't possible. Santana couldn't have just said that. Santana had actually thought about how she would take her own life. She thought about what the least painful way to do it would be. And even though she wasn't aware of it, Santana just revealed her preferred method to Brittany. _Preferred method,_ that sounds horrible.

She didn't think she'd be able to sit through two more classes; she was too distracted. She kept replaying what Santana had said in her head. Was that how Santana planned on ending her life; drowning herself in pills? Would her mom walk home one day to find her daughter passed out on her bedroom floor? Brittany shivered at the thought. It was too much, everything was becoming too much. Too much confusion, too much worry, too much fear. The hour went by at an agonizingly slow pace and she couldn't wait to get out of class and get lost in the mass of students. She needed calm before but now she craves the chaos. She craves the loud chatter and noise that will surely be waiting for her in the hallways because maybe, just maybe, it would drown out her thoughts. She craves Rachel's incessant and loud blabbering hoping that wanting to rip her head off will help her forget about Santana.

As soon as Brittany stepped out into the hallway she was greeted by something she did not expect; complete and utter silence. She looked around trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and then she saw it; at the end of the hallway, Santana Lopez looking livid. She was tearing through her locker, throwing her stuff out, banging on her locker door and she basically looked insane. All Brittany could do was stare in shock at the scene that was unfolding right before her eyes. Quinn couldn't even calm Santana down, who was now ripping pages of her notebooks out like a mad person. And then it hit her: the note! Santana must have found it. She's probably trying to see if there's another note hidden somewhere. Or maybe she's trying to find a clue or something of the sort to try to figure out who left the note. Before she could stop herself, Brittany bolted and ran towards her next and last class; she was sure she looked like a criminal fleeing the scene of a crime.

She's never been a fan of history and right now she really hated it. She just wanted this day to be over so that she could go home and lock herself in her room. She was too distracted to notice Mrs. Hagberg point in her direction and ask her a question about the material she had just explained.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Hagberg, I wasn't paying attention. I'm not feeling really well, can I be excused?"

By now, Mrs. Hagberg was used to Brittany zoning out and didn't pay much attention to it anymore, so she just dismissed her with slight wave of her hand.

Brittany considered heading to the nurse and lying down for a bit but decided against it when she realized that the nurse would probably ask her way too many questions. She decided on her next best option, which was the girls' bathroom. It would most likely be empty during class time, giving her a space to vent. She walked into the bathroom and as expected found no one standing next to the sinks; so she pushed herself off the floor and sat with her back to the mirror. She figured she could sit there for a few minutes before heading back to class. She squirmed a bit trying to get herself more comfortable, but while she was doing so, she thought she heard something.

_It's probably just my backpack making a rustling noise while I was fidgeting _she thought to herself.

After a few moments, she heard it again. It was definitely not coming from her. She listened closely and heard sniffling, and that's when she realized that when of the stalls was currently occupied. She slapped her hand over her forehead scolding herself for not noticing it sooner.

And then she heard the sniffling again. She approached the cubicle as silently as possible, trying not to startle whomever was inside it, but as soon as she got close she noticed the cheerios sneakers and the caramel skin that she could recognize anywhere.

_Santana_.

Santana Lopez was currently hiding in a toilet cubicle crying and all Brittany could do was something she found herself doing a lot lately; she ran.

Brittany never thought she would see the day where she would find Santana crying. She thought about making Santana cry sometimes, when she was too hurt by something Santana had said to her, but she never imagined herself feeling bad for hearing Santana cry.

For the second time that day, Brittany went straight to her locker and ripped out a piece of paper, which she then proceeded to write on. Once again, she looked around the hallway to make sure no one could see her and slipped the note into Santana's locker.

_Please let me help you. You can trust me._

She pulled her cellphone out and checked the time. Classes would be over in a few minutes, so she decided to just skip the rest of her history class and head home. Since she was home earlier than usual, she found herself sitting alone. Ella had cheerleading practice and her parents were still at work. So she settled for the next best thing; she found Lord Tubbington in his usual spot, passed out under the kitchen counter. She slowly picked him up and headed up to her room.

"Sorry to interrupt your nap Lord T, but I'm going to have to force you to cuddle with me. At least until Ella gets home."

Lord Tubbington was all too willing to comply and soon found himself nestled into Brittany's side. As she stroked through his fur, Brittany tried really hard to push the memories of today out of her mind, but she couldn't. She thought her first note would help Santana, but all it did was upset her. She never meant to make Santana cry, she only wanted to offer her some comfort or reassurance; show her that someone cared, even if that someone was a stranger. _Stranger_ Brittany thought to herself. She's known Santana for about 8 years but she was still a stranger to her. They've never had a decent conversation; they've never exchanged words that weren't hurtful or upsetting. Before that letter, Brittany didn't know anything about Santana, and Santana still doesn't know anything about Brittany. She didn't know how long she was lying there in the comfort of her bed, but she was snapped out of her thoughts by a soft knock on her door.

"Britt? Can I come in?"

Brittany's face immediately lit up at the sound of her sister's voice. She needed one of Ella's awesome hugs.

"Yeah El, you know you don't need to ask. Get your butt in here."

Ella slowly pushed the door open and poked her head in. "I see someone found a new cuddling partner. Am I that easy to replace?"

"Yeah, Lord Tubbington isn't sarcastic and doesn't give me a hard time when I try to make him watch mean girls."

"Britt you've seen that movie about 50 thousand times, I'm pretty sure Lord T is sick of it too, even if he doesn't show it."

Brittany couldn't help but smile at her sister's reply. It was true, she could probably quote every single line from that movie by heart but she could never get sick of it. There's just something about pre-rehab Lindsay Lohan that she loves. "Come on you idiot, I'm sure Lord T wouldn't mind you joining in."

Ella settled in on Lord Tubbington's other side and scratched him behind his ear, making him purr. "Come on now, tell me about your day. Any better than yesterday?"

"I did something really stupid El."

Ella looked at Brittany disapprovingly "Britt, I'm sure it wasn't stupid. Now come on, spill."

Brittany lifted herself off the bed and put her weight on her right elbow. "Remember how I told you about the senior project? How I came up with the idea of writing the letter to our future selves?"

Ella nodded, encouraging Brittany to go on.

"Well everyone agreed to do it, they kinda had to though but that's not the point. I went to the secretary's office to collect all the letters and put them in the safe, and I swear it wasn't my fault, Ella I swear, but one of the letters was open. You have to believe me, I didn't do it."

"Britt, whoa, relax! I don't even know what you're talking about."

Brittany let out a nervous laugh, noticing her outburst. She just felt really guilty about reading Santana's letter and she didn't want Ella to think she ripped open the envelope. "Yeah, sorry… While I was putting the box away, I noticed one of the envelopes wasn't properly sealed, so I picked it up with every intention of sealing it but then… then I read who's letter it was."

Brittany could see curiosity spark in Ella's eyes and went on. "It was Santana Lopez's letter."

"You mean _the _Santana Lopez. The one you were upset about a couple of days ago? The one who always bullies you? I hope you ripped that bitch's letter apart. Imagine her surprise when she sees everyone open their letter but doesn't find a letter for her to open."

"Ella, I didn't tear up her letter. I read it."

If Ella was drinking something at that moment, Brittany was positive that she would have spat it out. Nothing could describe the look of surprise on her sister's face.

"You what? Britt, I know she's had it out for you, but that's a complete invasion of privacy. You're not like her, don't sink to her level."

Brittany has always admired her sister's morals and ethics, but that's the last thing she needed right now. "I know that Ella! Don't you think I've been beating myself up for doing that! I came to you for reassurance, not for you to make me feel even worse."

Ella must have noticed how distressed her sister was. She picked up Lord Tubbington, placed him gently on the floor and scooted closer to Brittany. "I'm sorry Britt, I didn't mean it like that. I was jut surprised that's all. Do you want to tell me what was in the letter?"

Brittany shook her head. She couldn't go through the things that Santana wrote, not again. She tried so hard to forget about all of it these past two days, and telling her sister about it would just remind her about everything Santana was going through.

"I can't El, it's just so awful. Please don't make me say it."

"Brittany, you don't have to. But I'm just trying to understand what's going on here. Could you at least tell me what it was about?"

How could she even begin to describe what it was about? Self-loathing? Bad parenting? Homophobia? Suicidal thoughts? God, all of these words weren't even enough to describe what was written; not even close. "It was awful Ella. She wrote all these awful things… about herself. She's thinking of taking her own life."

She wasn't looking at Ella but she was sure she could hear her gasp. "Britt, that's terrible. Did you talk to her about it? Or did you at least talk to the school counselor or something?"

"I couldn't. How can I explain reading the letter to either one of them? Santana would probably kill me and even worse, Miss Pillsbury would have expelled me for violating McKinley's code of conduct or some crap like that."

She could feel Ella nudge her, urging her to go on.

"I returned the letter back to where it belonged. I was going to pretend like it never happened, but then I saw Santana later that day. I swear I could see past her barriers, I could see her breaking, even if it was just for one second."

"What did you do then?"

"I slipped an anonymous note in her locker. I wrote 'please don't do it. It will get better.' On it."

She heard Ella snort next to her. "I'm sorry Britt, I know this is so not the time to laugh, but 'it will get better'? No one wants to be told that. Everyone wants it to be instantly better. When you're feeling really down you just want to feel better in that exact same moment, the prospect of it being better some day in the future isn't all that appealing. Especially if your life is as bad as what I think Santana's life is."

"I know that Ella. As soon as I slipped the note in I realized how stupid it was, but it was too late to take it back. I don't have awesome detective skills or anything. I couldn't break into her locker and take it back. But I did slip another one in."

"You're just full of surprises today aren't you?"

Brittany smiled at her sister's teasing tone and went on. "Towards the end of the day, I went to the bathroom thinking it was empty, but then I thought I heard someone crying. I came closer to check who it was and it turns out it was Santana. So I went back to her locker and gave her another note. It said 'please let me help you. You can trust me.' And then I came back home. And now we're here."

"Well, that last note was a lot better than the first. It showed that you were really trying to help. But Britt, how do you expect her to reach out to you?"

Brittany looked at her sister, completely confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you told her that you would help her, but how do you expect her to come to you if she doesn't even know who you are?"

"Shit! God I'm such a fucking idiot! How didn't I think of that!"

"Probably because of the adrenaline rush you had after being such a sneaky badass."

Brittany picked up the closest pillow and hit her sister in the face with it. "Would you shut up, this is not something to joke about. I don't want her to know who I am. If she finds out it's me, she'll never open up and I really want to help her."

"Well how are you going to do it then?"

Brittany thought for a second "What if I come up with a secret super awesome letter location. She could slip the notes there and I'd come pick them up at the end of the day. I'd answer her the next day and yeah, that could work."

Ella nodded approvingly. "That's genius Britt. Now get your ass down and let's have lunch. I'm starving."

Throughout the whole lunch, Brittany couldn't concentrate on a single word Ella was saying. She was going on about some cute boy in her economics class that asked for her number and for once, Brittany couldn't bring herself to care. She felt bad because her sister just listened to her talk about her problems for the past 30 minutes, yet she couldn't listen to her sister for five minutes. But who could blame her? She was going through every single spot in McKinley in her head, trying to figure the perfect location for her and Santana's note drop-off. That's _if _Santana even answers her back. She knew it was a long shot but she had to try. She wouldn't be able to sleep at night if she didn't. Behind a random trashcan? That's too risky, someone could find the note or the janitor could accidentally throw it thinking it was trash. What about under some desk? No that's complicated. She'd have to try to stick the note there without anyone noticing, and that's hard to do with 20 other people in class. She thought about under the bleachers, but that wasn't an option either; the skanks always hung out there. She was almost running out of ideas, and then she remembered the girls' locker room. They could use an empty locker, but that wouldn't work either. Santana spends a lot of time in the girls' locker room since she has cheerleading practice twice a day. She would surely end up seeing Brittany slipping her a note one day and Brittany definitely did not want her identity to be revealed; not if she had any hope of helping Santana. After exhausting every option that came to mind, Brittany finally found the perfect one.

She got to school early the next day. She wanted to be there before anyone else so that she could slip the note without anyone seeing her. She bumped into the janitor on her way in and nodded shyly. She waited for him to be out of sight and put the note in Santana's locker.

_I'm not even sure you want me to help you, but if you do, just write me back. Anything. You can put your note in the economic imperialism book in the back shelf of the Library. No one will ever check that. Let me be there for you, even if it's only though written words. I will check the book at the end of the day. I really hope to find a note in there._

Brittany was really satisfied with her note this time. She felt it conveyed enough emotions to show Santana that she really cared, and she was proud of herself for finding the perfect place for their note exchange. The only thing she was worried about was Santana figuring out who she was. What if Santana went to the library at the end of the day and spotted her? She'll just have to trust Santana on this and hope that Santana doesn't care about who the person that's trying to help her is, but more about the fact that someone _wants_ to help her.

She avoided Santana for the rest of the day. She didn't have to try hard though, because Santana never even came near her unless it was to deliver a slushy facial or to make fun of her. When her last class ended Brittany all but sprinted towards the library. She looked around to make sure no one was there and walked towards the back shelf where all the boring books were located. She browsed through the books and finally found the only she was looking for: 'Economic Imperialism: A Book of Readings by Kenneth E. Boulding' She tried to still her shaking hands enough to get them to open the book. She flipped the pages as slowly as possible, checking each one, hoping for a note to be tucked somewhere in there. She neared the end of the book and was about to give up but then she saw it. A crumpled little piece of paper with messy handwriting on it.

_I'm just so lost._

* * *

**I can't thank you enough for the response this story has gotten so far. It's INSANE.**

**All mistakes are mine. I'll go over it tomorrow and check for any gasp-worthy mistakes that I might have missed.**

**I threw in a Harry Potter reference for the Potterheads out there. It's not that obvious and extra bonus points for those of you who find it. Also, that economic imperialism book haunted me throughout my junior year at university and I thought it would be somewhat cathartic to use it here, but sadly it wasn't.**

**To all the anons who reviewed, I hate not being able to reply to you but if you feel inclined, you can head over to my tumblr page and ask me anything over there. The link is on my profile.**

**I'm really trying to poop out chapters as often as I can before my classes start again.**

**Until next time!**


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